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 Post subject: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:49 pm 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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Pip pip, chums. Now that I have been forced to publically acknowledge my identity as your Punk/Hardcore Overlord, I, Lord Tiberius Fontleroy the Earl of Monocle, will happily answer any and all questions that one may have regarding anything. So chaps, I propose a standing thread where I answer your most burning questions, whether they are especially pertinent to Punk/Hardcore, or if they are simply about everyone else's pedestrian life.


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:01 pm 
Shen-Long of the Internet
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Dear Lord Monocle Crumpet Flinger Boss of the Highest Order of Elite Louisville Music Snobbery Unicycle Riding Wanker,

I want to start a mosh core floor punching bro crew chug band. I want to wear sports jerseys, instigate unwarranted violence against smaller people while singing about the dangers of alcohol, and sing about the virtues of being in a "crew" with lots of backing vocals.


My question for you is, how small does my penis need to be?

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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:22 pm 
Vegeta of the innarwebs

Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 11:59 pm
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Dearest Lord Monocle Fluffy Butt Puppet of Endor,

My band has played three shows already, no one comes to them and I'm worried that we're not going to get signed by Epitaph. We don't advertise our shows, don't want to tour and we exclusively use Squire guitars, digital pedals and practice amps and think changing strings is for hipster posers. What can do we do get our sloppy, three chord punk band the big bucks?


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:50 pm 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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quasar wrote:
Dear Lord Monocle Crumpet Flinger Boss of the Highest Order of Elite Louisville Music Snobbery Unicycle Riding Wanker,

I want to start a mosh core floor punching bro crew chug band. I want to wear sports jerseys, instigate unwarranted violence against smaller people while singing about the dangers of alcohol, and sing about the virtues of being in a "crew" with lots of backing vocals.


My question for you is, how small does my penis need to be?


Tut, tut good fellow, or I shall brandish my finest hickory upon your bottom. This is no way to speak to a true manager, although I expected no less from the proles.

Answering your question is a bit of a stick widget. As a co-owner of the popular Lids franchise, and as a chum to my dearest Tony Victory, I feel that I should encourage this wretched course of action, as it will only serve to fill my coffers, and reinforce my message that punk rock is as much a fashion statement as a slogan. However, as I see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, I find it hard to relate to having such a small, and unappealing member. You see, you have rightly intuited that the size of one's phallus is necessarily small to require such trappings in life that would see one flailing about wildly and beating upon the brow those that are inferior in stature. So it would seem that one must have an immeasurably small phallus if the life of a ragamuffin is to be had.

As such, might I direct you to the nearest Lids location, perhaps in Oxmoor Mall, to pick out your favorite pro-sportsball team cap, and while there, perchance I may interest you in the finest of Tony Victory's catalog, the incomparable One Life Crew, violent rapscallions, with hearts of gold.


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 5:01 pm 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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worm merkin wrote:
Dearest Lord Monocle Fluffy Butt Puppet of Endor,

My band has played three shows already, no one comes to them and I'm worried that we're not going to get signed by Epitaph. We don't advertise our shows, don't want to tour and we exclusively use Squire guitars, digital pedals and practice amps and think changing strings is for hipster posers. What can do we do get our sloppy, three chord punk band the big bucks?


Another to sass their rightful illuminati overlord. This incredulity is boundless, and will not stand! Need I remind you that I can revoke your scene card, you cheeky bastards, for I am apt to do so?

As previously evidenced, besmirching the good name of the Louisville Punk/Hardcore scene on this computer web, serves no benefit, and may result in a permanent ban from this aforementioned scene. Ergo, I may suggest changing your name to Brainz Out, Porosis, or some other such devilish misuse of the Queen's English, as this may allow you the benefit of controversy to fuel your evident lack of interest in your own success.

Now off I must go. I have a billiards game in Chicago with my fellow chum Tony Victory, and must rush to board my private luxury aero-zeppelin. I shall return thusly for more of your questions my dearest proles.


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:56 pm 
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Sir Lord Monocle wrote:
Pip pip, chums. Now that I have been forced to publically acknowledge my identity as your Punk/Hardcore Overlord, I, Lord Tiberius Fontleroy the Earl of Monocle, will happily answer any and all questions that one may have regarding anything. So chaps, I propose a standing thread where I answer your most burning questions, whether they are especially pertinent to Punk/Hardcore, or if they are simply about everyone else's pedestrian life.


Whatchu readin' for?


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 10:07 am 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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no fun wrote:
Whatchu readin' for?


Ah now my boy, a most proper question, if an appalling misuse of the Queen's English. While I prefer the classics (John Milton, Oscar Wilde, Danielle Steele), I have found myself lately gravitating to the most charming world of fan fiction. What has most tickled my rosebud of late has been the splendid works on K-Pax, that wild Kevin Spacey romp from yesteryear. I find myself enthralled by pages I turn... whatever will happen next? How will this misunderstood so and so alien make it this time? As part of the Louisville Punk/Hardcore Illuminati, I find myself often without the companionship that so many proles seem to find, so I myself can relate to the stories of K-Pax. The exception being the occasional trips to my dearest chum and ally Tony Victory, where we frolic and eat scrumpets by the dozen. Pip-pip, man!


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:44 pm 
Let's Make This Post Legendary
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no fun wrote:
Sir Lord Monocle wrote:
Pip pip, chums. Now that I have been forced to publically acknowledge my identity as your Punk/Hardcore Overlord, I, Lord Tiberius Fontleroy the Earl of Monocle, will happily answer any and all questions that one may have regarding anything. So chaps, I propose a standing thread where I answer your most burning questions, whether they are especially pertinent to Punk/Hardcore, or if they are simply about everyone else's pedestrian life.


Whatchu readin' for?

So he doesnt become a damn waffle waitress.

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NINJA BACHELOR PARTY


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:51 pm 
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Location: Beckley Woods
Dear Major Frank Burns,

Ive been going through somewhat of an identity crisis lately and am looking into hitching onto a new me. What would be the best route to being Steampunk?

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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:37 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:28 pm
Posts: 5062
Location: Louisville / Cincinnati
Dear Sir Lord Monocle,

My boyfriend really wants to try anal, but I'm afraid to tell him that I have a rare condition where I have no asshole and I shit out of my mouth. Also, he's a Matisyahu fan, and I'm into mellower stuff like Incubus and Phish. Do you think we have a chance, or am I just fooling myself?

Debra


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:13 pm 
Master and Commander
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Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2009 9:46 am
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Monocle, Monocle on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:20 pm 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:22 am
Posts: 11
Gary wrote:
Dear Major Frank Burns,

Ive been going through somewhat of an identity crisis lately and am looking into hitching onto a new me. What would be the best route to being Steampunk?


My dear chap,

The most effective way to improve upon one's self, especially to become the best possible Steampunk, would be a mechanical, pressure gauge measurable phallus. Be quite certain to have a tiny off-coloured mohawk on at your pubic area, to signify to the proletariat that you are indeed, the steamest of punks. You may also consider engineering a magnificent clockwork amplifier, from which you may indulge the ignorant masses with a smattering of punk rock classicals, like Green Day, A-Ha, or Hatbreed.

And yes, I mean Hatbreed as I write it, yes. A delightful grouping of lads, they create a most pleasing brand of tophat inducing, mosh-metal.

Yours,
Sir Lord Tiberius Fontleroy the Earl of Monocle


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:33 pm 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:22 am
Posts: 11
Daisy wrote:
Dear Sir Lord Monocle,

My boyfriend really wants to try anal, but I'm afraid to tell him that I have a rare condition where I have no asshole and I shit out of my mouth. Also, he's a Matisyahu fan, and I'm into mellower stuff like Incubus and Phish. Do you think we have a chance, or am I just fooling myself?

Debra


Dearest Madame Debra,

You present a challenge that has yet two interesting sides. You see, while you cannot properly offer your rectum for his advantage, you can as ever present him with your orality as an alternative, or as I refer to it: the Gentleman's Anal. Perturbing though, is the reality that your feces flows from your betwixt your lips, ergo forcing me as a Lord and Gentleperson to suckle upon many a tube of Crest to bleach the heinous odor that must surely flow from your mouth. I cringe to imagine how a flatus may occur, and die a little having thought towards it.

Towards your companions unsavory taste in hippy music, I cannot attest. It may be most prudent to find a man receptive to both the Gentleman's Anal, and the soft musical touch of Incubus, whose nuanced performance is urresistably sensual.

Sir Lord Tiberius Fontleroy the Earl of Monocle


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:49 pm 
Lou Punk/Hardcore Overlord
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:22 am
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tripbarriger wrote:
Monocle, Monocle on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?


Why my dear knave, it is clearly Beyonce, the most exquisite speciman available of all fair-ism.


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 Post subject: Re: Ask Sir Lord Monocle
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:31 am 
N00Benstein

Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:20 am
Posts: 2
Good cheer to you Sir Lord Monocle! To you I say Genius of the Restoration —


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