Dear Lord Monocle Crumpet Flinger Boss of the Highest Order of Elite Louisville Music Snobbery Unicycle Riding Wanker,
I want to start a mosh core floor punching bro crew chug band. I want to wear sports jerseys, instigate unwarranted violence against smaller people while singing about the dangers of alcohol, and sing about the virtues of being in a "crew" with lots of backing vocals.
My question for you is, how small does my penis need to be?
Tut, tut good fellow, or I shall brandish my finest hickory upon your bottom. This is no way to speak to a true manager, although I expected no less from the proles.
Answering your question is a bit of a stick widget. As a co-owner of the popular Lids
franchise, and as a chum to my dearest Tony Victory, I feel that I should encourage this wretched course of action, as it will only serve to fill my coffers, and reinforce my message that punk rock is as much a fashion statement as a slogan. However, as I see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, I find it hard to relate to having such a small, and unappealing member. You see, you have rightly intuited that the size of one's phallus is necessarily small to require such trappings in life that would see one flailing about wildly and beating upon the brow those that are inferior in stature. So it would seem that one must have an immeasurably small phallus if the life of a ragamuffin is to be had.
As such, might I direct you to the nearest Lids location, perhaps in Oxmoor Mall, to pick out your favorite pro-sportsball team cap, and while there, perchance I may interest you in the finest of Tony Victory's catalog, the incomparable One Life Crew, violent rapscallions, with hearts of gold.